What if the Gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia spoke at your 2024 SKO is our take on a potential SKO session featuring the proprietors of Paddy’s Pub. Click here to learn more about our 2024 SKO series.
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And now on with our show:
The “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” characters who will speak at our 2024 SKO
Dennis Reynolds (Glenn Howerton): Co-owner of Paddy’s Pub and Dee’s twin brother. Dennis is narcissitic and manipulative, and often employs elaborate schemes to get what he wants (sometimes they work, sometimes they fail). A self-proclaimed “Golden God,” Dennis lacks any sort of moral compass and will always put his own interests above all else, no matter how much damage he inevitably causes to others.
Dee Reynolds (Kaitlin Olson): Co-owner of Paddy’s Pub and Dennis’ twin sister. Dee aspires to be famous actor or comedian, and is extremely confident even though she hasn’t ever found success. She often tries to be the “rational” member of the gang, but they consistently ignore or mock her (or steal her car only to crash it or blow it up).
Frank Reynolds (Danny DeVito): Dennis and Dee’s father, Frank is always involved in (or running) some sort of ethically dubious get-rich-quick scheme, even though they almost never pan out. Is wealthy, though it’s unclear where exactly that wealth came from. Frank lives in a run-down apartment with Charlie. Frank is often the most crass member of the gang, which is an achievement given everyone else’s behavior.
Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day): Janitor and partial owner of Paddy’s Pub. Invested the most money to open the pub, yet got the smallest stake. Is mostly illiterate, but is also a self proclaimed expert in “bird law.” He is often relegated to menial “Charlie Work,” which is how the gang refers to the thankless and disgusting jobs no one else wants to do. Charlie is a talented musician, but rarely performs (besides producing an entire play based on his song “Day Man”).
Ronald “Mac” McDonald (Rob McElhenney): Co-owner of Paddy’s Pub and childhood friend of Charlie. He thinks of himself as the bar’s “enforcer,” and is obsessed with karate but lacks any real skill. Is known for his misguided religious beliefs and tumultuous relationship with his parents.
SKO presentation title: The Gang Gives a Presentation About Sales
Mac: Hello everybody, we’re here today to show you a new approach to sales. And since I’m the brains of this operation, I’ll show you how it’s done. Sales is like karate. You’ve got to dominate. Be assertive. Get in their face. And have sweet moves [pantomimes karate].
Dennis: Dude, what are you doing? That’s not how you sell things. And those aren’t even real karate moves – you’re just waving your arms around.
Mac: Those are absolutely real karate moves!
Dennis: I apologize for my associate’s behavior – you can just disregard him. Allow me to offer an approach grounded in the principles of psychology and human behavior: [takes out flipchart] the D.E.N.N.I.S. system for sales! It’s a surefire way to manipulate your prospect and take control of the deal.
Dee: Alright Dennis, I’m just going to stop you right there. No one needs another sleezy system with your name on it.
Dennis: Excuse me, Dee. The D.E.N.N.I.S. system is a proven method for human interaction.
Dee: Proven? By who? A bunch of women who you were terrible to? No thanks.
Frank enters the SKO presentation
Frank [Casually strolls in]: If I could just interject here.
Dennis: Frank? What are you doing here? We told you the presentation was tomorrow.
Frank: Come on, Dennis, I knew you’d try to pull a stunt like that. That’s why I had Cricket follow you.
Mac: Why would he agree to that? Did you pay him or something?
Frank: Of course I didn’t pay him. Now listen, everyone. I’ve gotten all of us together today because I’ve got a warehouse full of primo…”goods”…that I need to unload. And while sales is normally “Charlie Work,” I could use a room of smart people like you to unload all of my trash. I mean goods. High quality goods.
Dee: Frank, you can’t come in here and tell people their jobs are the same as “Charlie Work.”
Audience member: [Raises hand] What’s “Charlie Work?”
Frank: It’s the work that no one else wants to do. Like cleaning the toilets, or dealing with rats in the basement. You know, “Charlie Work.”
Dennis: [Laughs uncomfortably] OK, I apologize for my other…associate…who obviously didn’t mean to just insult everyone in the room.
Dee: Hold on. Frank are you trying to get these people to sell your garbage for you?
Frank: Of course, I am, Deandra. Why do you think I got us a speaking slot at this company’s sales kickoff?
Charlie enters the SKO presentation
Mac: Charlie!? What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be cleaning the bar.
Charlie: I know you’re in the middle of a Scales Cookoff, bro, but I’ve got to settle some business with Frank right now.
Dennis: Yes, Charlie, we are in the middle of…wait, did you just say “Scales Cookoff?”
Charlie: Yeah, Dennis, it said “Scales Cookoff” on the door. I know you’re in the middle of a lizard cooking competition, but I need to talk to Frank.
Dennis: There was a sign that said “Sales Kickoff.” Is that the sign you were talking about?
Charlie: No…I was talking about…I didn’t say…What did you hear?
Dennis: I heard you say you thought we were having a lizard cooking competition.
Dee: We’re trying to talk to these people about sales, Charlie.
Mac: Wait, Charlie, in this scenario did you think we were cooking a bunch of lizards, or that we were cooking for a bunch of lizards?
Charlie: I didn’t say anything about lizards. You said something about lizards. And I can tell you a thing or two about sales. I just made 100 “Frank bucks” when I sold Frank that Range Rover out front.
Charlie teaches the gang about sales by selling Dennis’ car outside of the SKO
Dennis: Hold up. I parked my Range Rover out front. Dammit Charlie did you sell my Car to Frank?
Charlie: Bro, the keys were in a bag that was just sitting there. Bird law says I get to keep them.
Dennis: That was my bag! That’s my car! Frank, give me my keys
Frank: No can do, Dennis. This is between me and Charlie. And, a deal’s a deal.
Dennis: There’s no deal here, Frank. Charlie stole my keys, which you then bought with fake money. In what way is this possibly a deal?
Frank: Frank bucks are real. They’re my new cybermoney.
Mac: Do you mean cryptocurrency, Frank? People stopped talking about that like two years ago. Also, how does that even work?
Frank: It’s simple. I print the Frank bucks, and you use ’em like money. Who needs banks when you have Frank?
Mac: That’s not even remotely how that works.
Frank: [Shrugs] All I know is the easiest way to make real money is to sell fake money.
Charlie: Fake? You said I could spend Frank bucks anywhere that accepts them.
Frank: And you can! As soon as people start using Frank bucks instead of real money. Wait and see Charlie, soon everyone will be using Frank bucks. [Looks at audience] And for anyone who wants to help me unload my…goods…you can earn up to a million Frank bucks.
Dee: So you got us invited to speak at this company’s sales thing just so you could convince everyone in the room to sell your fake stuff in order to make fake money?
The gang’s SKO speech falls apart
Frank: [Shrugs] I already bought a car with fake money. I mean real money. Very real Frank bucks.
Dennis: No you didn’t! You stole my car!
Frank: Don’t you mean my car. [Looks at audience] So…is anyone here interested in a job? Just raise your hand if you are.
[No one raises their hand]
Frank: Well, I tried. [Shrugs and walks away]
Dennis: I want my keys back, Frank. [Chases after Frank]
Charlie: And I want to trade these Frank bucks for real money, Frank. [Also chases after Frank]
Mac: Well that’s just great. All I wanted to do was show off my mad sales skills and then have these fine people come to the bar for happy hour. And now it’s totally ruined. [Storms off]
Dee: Well I guess ol’ Sweet Dee is going to take it from here. Listen everyone – forget what these dummies told you. Let me tell you a thing or two I’ve learned about sales.
Dennis [re-enters]: Get off the stage, Dee. No one wants to hear what you have to say about sales. Or anything else.
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