What if Sterling Archer and Lana Kane from “Archer” Spoke at your 2024 Sales Kickoff?

What if Archer and Lana from “Archer” spoke at your 2024 sales kickoff is our take on a potential SKO session featuring Archer and Lana. Click here to learn more about our 2024 SKO series.

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And now on with our show:

The “Archer” characters who will speak at our 2024 SKO

(Click here to skip straight to the script)

Sterling Archer (H. Jon Benjamin): “The World’s Greatest Secret Agent,” highly is a highly competent but extremely unprofessional spy. He is self-absorbed, childish and often intoxicated, and loves turtlenecks (but only on missions) expensive suits (when not on missions), and referential humor. Archer has a complicated relationship with his mother and boss Mallory (played by the late, great Jessica Walter), but was primarily raised by his valet Woodhouse (whom he loves but also to whom he is incredibly cruel). He often finds himself in bad situations that were completely avoidable, but always finds a way out of them (usually by blowing something up) and almost never suffers the consequences of his bad choices. Gets shot literally all the time.

Lana Kane (Aisha Tyler): Top field agent and sometimes love interest for Archer. She is brilliant and highly skilled, and an expert in firearms and hand-to-hand combat. She develops well crafted plans for missions, which are almost always ruined by Archer (who somehow gets out of the situation with a combination of chaos and luck). Lana is usually the voice of reason among her colleagues, and their incompetence only serves to highlight her abilities. Her no-nonsense personality usually means she plays the “straight man” to Archer, but with her sharp wit she always has a comeback for whatever he says.

SKO Presentation Title: The World’s Greatest Spy Gives the World’s Greatest Sales Speech. Also, Lana’s Here.

Lana: All right, listen up people. The mission is sales. So what you’re going to do is run recon on your customers, then use what you learn to deliver a targeted message.

Archer: Calm down, Jordan Belfort. Sales is just telling people what to do, which, let’s be honest, I literally excel at.

Lana: Archer, the last time you told someone what to do was when you told Cheryl to “be herself” on an undercover mission. It took her all of ten minutes to set an embassy on fire and then she almost got us all killed. Great leadership.

Archer: Well, that’s why she isn’t here, Lana. But speaking of fire, let’s talk about setting your sales on fire.

Lana: No one. Is setting anything. On fire.

Archer: It’s a metaphor, Lana.

Lana: [Sighs]. Look. Being good at sales is like being good at espionage. Pay attention to details and adapt to the situation. And you’ll especially need to adapt when your team “forgets” that they’re supposed to be working and somehow triggers an international incident.

Archer. That was one time, Lana. Besides, it wasn’t my fault. I was distracted because the bartender didn’t know how to make a proper martini. I mean, come on. It’s mixing a drink, not disarming a bomb.

Lana: Something else you’ve failed at least a dozen times. Let’s wrap this up. If you want to close more sales, just read the room, anticipate your customer’s next move, and know when to stop talking. Which is something Archer over here has never quite figured out.

Archer: And what “Frodo Baggins before he left the Shire” hasn’t figured out is that sales is all about taking risks. Sometimes you have to venture out into the –

Lana: Don’t say it.

Archer: Danger Zone!!!!

Lana: Just…end the presentation, Archer.

Archer: Why don’t you end the presentation…wait, I totally had something for this.

Lana: Borelando Bloom?

Archer: Really, Lana? Borelando Bloom? What, was David Snoozelhoff already taken?

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